Monday, August 24, 2009

My kids make me sweat

I am not sure if I have a gland problem or if it is truly my kids fault. I also can't remember if the sweating was happening before I had children or came shortly thereafter. Those of you that don't have kids yet take note and see if you tend to sweat in situations where no one else seems to be sweating. If you are not and then you have child #1 and start to sweat, well I would stop there, it gets worse.

My first real sweating incident occurred in 2004. Bennett was about 17 months and I was taking him for his 3rd or 4th haircut in his lifetime. My kids are horrible at these. I mean HORRIBLE. They scream, cry, swing their arms, stop breathing, the whole nine yards. Well, I knew this would be the case so I decided to try a new tactic, I would sit him in my lap and hold him. Maybe that would comfort him and it would not be such a bad experience. I also need to mention here that it was mid-August and hot as all get out in Memphis. I was wearing a sun dress (you need to know this fact later in the story.) So I sat down and put Bennett in my lap. I immediately began to apologize to the stylist explaining to her that this would be a nightmare of an experience and she would probably quit her job when we left. She proceeded to cut his hair and the wailing began. He bucked and kicked and screamed like he was being beat. He cried so hard at one point that he sucked in a huge wad of hair and then began to choke and almost vomit. I began to sweat and I mean sweat like a man. The back of my hair was wet, my under arms were dripping wet, it was bad. Well she finally finished and gave him a sucker, which bothered me a bit, why would we reward such behavior but whatever. I was thinking if he gets a sucker momma gets a whole bottle of wine. Well at this point I started to stand up and dust the air off of my lap and it was at that moment when I turned around that I realized I had left two sweat rings in the shape of my bottom on the chair. I immediately turned to the stylist and asked for her towel, she said, "oh no, it's okay, I will get it." The problem was she had no idea what "it" was. I was mortified. And as if I was not sweating before now I was pretty sure I was sweating about as much as a marathon runner does. I hurried out and left an extra big tip when I paid.

Today was not as bad as that but it came close. I took Emma with me to the grocery store. She is awful at the store. She screams and tries to climb out of the basket. I again start sweating as all eyes look at me. Today I gave in and bought a package of Oreos just to keep her quiet. Then people were really looking at me like I was a bad mother. You know what? You do what you have to do. As we were getting in line I stepped in some water and slid about a quarter of a mile through the check out line. I recovered only to have the grocery clerk look at me and roll her eyes. No joke. I wanted to say something ugly but to make my husband proud, I didn't. I did notice the sweat rings under my arms when I got in the car.

There are some things that you say you will never do. For example my husband announced to me this weekend that he will never wear a white short sleeve button down, never. As we left the grocery I told Emma I was never taking her to the grocery again. Obviously that is not as true as my husband not wearing a short sleeved white shirt but I have decided this. The next time I take her I am wearing a stronger deodorant. I make no money from this company but I do know it works and if you have a mommy sweating problem like I do, feel free to try it.

No comments:

Post a Comment