Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Dear Crystal Meth User

I am not sure if any Crystal Meth users read blogs. But on the off chance that one happens upon "life in the hamp" (honestly not that far of a stretch to think they might, considering where we live) I would like them to read this letter:

Dear Crystal Meth User,

I would like you to know how you have created great stress, anxiety and a guilt complex to my mundane, not so - suburban housewife mom of 3 life. It is Spring and for us that means that 2 of my family members have terrible allergies. The thick golden yellow that covers our cars also covers their nasal passages and eyes. They wake up unable to breathe well, congested, itchy and quite miserable. But aha! A company created a cure and a respite for my beloved allergy sufferers. Zyrtec D. This is where you come in.

I used to be able to frequent my local drug store or even my counseling center (aka Target) and get Zyrtec D off the shelf. But oh no, not now. Now I have to go to the pharmacist and give them my driver's license, my blood type, my ACT score, and where I have spent the past 24 hours in order to purchase said drug. They question me of my symptoms and this is where it goes south because I'm not the one with the symptoms, so I stumble around over my words and say things like, "well, it is not for me, it's for my "son." And he is super congested." And then I turn all red and blotchy and my palms get sweaty because the way the pharmacist is staring at me makes me feel like I am a stone cold killer the police have put a warrant out for. Then the pharmacist says, "just a minute" and takes my license with her and does something on a computer while I form sweat rings and think "don't drug users sweat a lot?"

Then I look back over my shoulder at my 4 year old who is asking yelling "when we leave here can we go to happy hour?" Sonic but she leaves that part out all the while the security guard is making his rounds and headed toward the back of the store. I think for a minute maybe I should make a run for it just forget the Zyrtec, but then I think, well that won't work, the pharmacist still has my license and and that will make this all look REALLY bad. And now she knows my address, which looks so suspicious because I live in the hood. Holy Moly. So I nervously start chewing my nails....then I think, "stop, crap, don't drug users have nervous twitches?'

So I stand there, feeling guilty, like I have done something wrong, or that the computer is going to pull up my last 2 speeding tickets or that time I almost smoked a cigarette in 6th grade in an empty house. The pharmacist comes back and sells me the Zyrtec and I leave the store thinking the Crystal Meth User owes me something.

Yes, you owe me something. I am not sure if it is a cut of your money or doing my laundry for a year but you owe me.


Crazy Non-drug user


  1. Haha! This was hilarious. I always get crazy uncomfortable when purchasing the good zyrtec too!

  2. Hahahaha!!! If you get to pick, pick the laundry option. You'd have to be on meth NOT to pick the laundry option.

  3. I am laughing so hard I am crying!!!!!! Can we send this in to Wendy Thomas?? Seriously?? Now I need to go wash the mascara off of my face...

    Love you!

  4. Perfect, Carrie!! You are so so funny!

  5. Just tweeted this and put it on my facebook. Hysterical! So needed this laugh today! Hope the allergies get better soon!!! Have a great day, Carrie!

  6. Same! but I use Claritan D. When I tried to get some when I was in Fayetteville, they said I had to have an Arkansas drivers license. Huh??? Like I would drive from Memphis to Fayetteville to get Claritan D if I was a Meth addict?? So be warned--in Arkansas you either have to find someone to buy it for you or get a fake ID or just suffer!!

  7. I laughed and agreed with everyone else at first. Then I quit laughing because IT'S SO TRUE. AND FRUSTRATING. Good job, Carrie!